How to Stop Thinking About Your Ex-Boyfriend: 10 Ways to Move On

There is a particular kind of torture that comes with trying not to think about someone.

You tell yourself you’re done. You’re moving on. You’re focusing on yourself now.

Then, five minutes later, you’re wondering what he’s doing.

You remember something he said three months ago.

You suddenly think about that restaurant you went to together.

A song comes on and, somehow, your brain has already transported you back to a random Tuesday when the two of you were laughing in the car.

And now you’re annoyed with yourself because you were doing so well.

But here’s the thing nobody tells you about getting over an ex: you cannot bully your brain into forgetting someone.

The more you tell yourself, Don’t think about him, don’t think about him, don’t think about him, the more your mind seems determined to produce a slideshow of his entire existence.

The goal isn’t really to never think about him again.

The goal is to reach a point where thinking about him no longer controls what you do, how you feel about yourself or whether you can enjoy the rest of your day.

Because eventually, you will think about him and simply continue with your life.

That is the kind of freedom you’re looking for.

Stop Treating Every Thought Like a Sign

One of the easiest ways to stay emotionally attached to an ex is to give every thought too much meaning.

You think about him, so you assume you must still love him.

You dream about him, so you wonder whether you’re supposed to get back together.

You miss him, so you start thinking the breakup was a mistake.

Not necessarily.

Your brain remembers people.

That’s what it does.

If someone was part of your daily routine for months or years, of course your mind will occasionally bring him up. You don’t need to turn every memory into a message from the universe.

Sometimes a thought is just a thought.

“I wonder how he’s doing.”

Okay.

And then?

Nothing.

You don’t need to check his page.

You don’t need to ask your friend.

You don’t need to send a “Hey, long time” message.

Let the thought pass without feeding it.

That is how you gradually teach your mind that remembering someone doesn’t require reconnecting with them.

Stop Checking on Him

I know.

You just want to know.

Did he post?

Has he changed his profile picture?

Is he seeing someone?

Who is that woman commenting under his picture?

Why did he like that particular post?

Did he watch your story?

And why, after all this time, are you still checking his last-seen status like you’re working for the FBI?

Please rest.

Every time you check on him, you give your brain new material to obsess over.

If he’s doing well, you wonder why he’s moved on so quickly.

If he looks sad, you wonder whether he misses you.

If he’s with someone, you feel replaced.

If he’s alone, you wonder whether he’ll come back.

There is no winning here.

You are asking information to give you peace when the information itself is keeping you emotionally attached.

Mute him.

Unfollow him.

Remove his updates from your immediate environment.

You don’t have to hate him.

You don’t even have to announce that you’ve blocked him.

Sometimes you simply need to stop giving yourself access to things you know will disturb your peace.

Don’t Confuse Missing Him With Wanting the Relationship Back

This is where things get tricky.

You may genuinely miss him.

You may miss his voice, his jokes, his hugs, his presence, the way you could tell him something without having to explain the entire backstory.

But ask yourself what exactly you miss.

Do you miss him?

Or do you miss having someone?

Do you miss the actual relationship?

Or do you miss the version of the relationship you hoped it would become?

Because those are not always the same thing.

You can miss someone who was not good for you.

You can miss beautiful moments inside a relationship that still needed to end.

You can miss the familiarity without wanting to return to the reality.

Loneliness has a way of polishing old memories until they look better than they actually were.

When you find yourself romanticising the past, remember the whole story.

Remember why you left.

Remember what wasn’t working.

Remember the conversations you kept having.

Remember how you felt when your needs were ignored.

You don’t need to make him a terrible person.

You simply need to stop editing the relationship until only the good parts remain.

Give Your Brain Something New to Think About

Sometimes you’re not obsessed with your ex because he’s the love of your life.

Sometimes you’re obsessed because your mind has too much empty space.

When someone has been part of your daily routine, losing them creates a strange amount of mental room.

There are fewer messages.

Fewer plans.

Fewer things to look forward to.

And if you don’t deliberately fill some of that space, your brain will happily fill it with him.

So give yourself new things to think about.

Learn something you’ve always been curious about.

Start exercising.

Read.

Take yourself somewhere.

Work on your career.

Plan a trip.

Start the project you’ve been postponing.

Spend more time with people who make you laugh.

Try something you’ve never done before.

You don’t need to become ridiculously busy just to avoid your feelings, but your life needs things in it that are capable of competing with the memories.

Because healing isn’t just about removing him from your thoughts.

It’s about putting more of your own life back into them.

Don’t Ask Mutual Friends for Updates

This one is sneaky.

“I don’t want to talk about him. I just want to know how he’s doing.”

No, you don’t.

Well, maybe you do.

But knowing how he’s doing is unlikely to help you heal.

If your friend says he’s miserable, you may start wondering whether he wants you back.

If she says he’s doing well, you’ll wonder how he could possibly be fine without you.

If she says he’s seeing someone, well…

Now you’ve lost your appetite.

You don’t need updates.

Tell your friends kindly that you’re trying to move forward and would rather not hear about him unless there is something genuinely important you need to know.

Protecting your healing sometimes means asking people who love you not to bring information you didn’t ask for.

Stop Rehearsing Conversations That Are Never Going to Happen

This one can steal hours from your life.

You imagine what you would say if he called.

You practise the perfect response.

You imagine finally telling him everything you’ve been holding inside.

Then you imagine his answer.

Then you think of another thing you should have said.

Then you restart the entire conversation.

Congratulations.

You’ve now had a three-hour argument with a man who wasn’t even present.

We’ve all done it.

But at some point, you have to stop living inside conversations that exist only in your head.

If there is something you need to say, write it down.

Write the angry version.

Write the sad version.

Write the version where you finally say everything you wish you had said.

Then put the phone down.

You don’t have to send it.

Sometimes writing the words is enough to release them.

Be Careful With the “What Ifs”

What if he changes?

What if I had been more patient?

What if we had met at a different time?

What if I never find someone else?

What if he was actually my person?

The problem with “what if” is that it can build an entire alternate life around a relationship that no longer exists.

You start grieving not just what happened, but everything you imagine could have happened.

And that imagined future can become harder to let go of than the actual relationship.

Come back to what you know.

What actually happened?

What did the relationship actually feel like?

What did you actually receive?

What did you repeatedly have to ask for?

What did you learn?

You cannot heal inside a fantasy version of the relationship.

You have to return to reality.

Let Yourself Be Angry

Not every breakup needs to be processed through soft music and journaling.

Sometimes you’re angry.

Be angry.

There were probably things you didn’t deserve.

There may be things you wish you’d handled differently.

Maybe he hurt you.

Maybe you hurt him.

Maybe you both behaved badly at different points.

You don’t have to turn your anger into revenge.

You don’t need to send paragraphs.

You don’t need to expose him online.

You don’t need to make sure everyone knows what happened.

You can simply admit to yourself, That hurt me.

Then decide what you’re going to do with that knowledge.

Anger can become useful when it helps you establish a boundary you should have had all along.

It becomes destructive when you keep feeding it because staying angry feels like staying connected.

You don’t have to remain furious at someone in order to remember what they did.

Start Making Plans That Have Nothing to Do With Romance

Sometimes the best way to stop thinking about your ex is to remember that your life has other rooms.

There is your career.

Your friendships.

Your family.

Your faith.

Your health.

Your creativity.

Your finances.

Your dreams.

The places you haven’t visited.

The things you haven’t learned.

The woman you’re still becoming.

Romantic love is important, but it cannot be the only interesting thing happening in your life.

Make plans that excite you.

Even small ones.

Book the restaurant.

Plan the weekend.

Buy the book.

Start saving for the trip.

Change your room.

Sign up for the class.

Call your friend.

Do something simply because you want to.

Every time you invest in your own life, you’re reminding yourself that there is more waiting for you than the relationship you lost.

Don’t Be Afraid When You Finally Stop Thinking About Him

This may sound strange, but when you have spent months thinking about someone, the first stretches of forgetting them can feel almost uncomfortable.

You might suddenly realise you haven’t thought about him all day.

And instead of celebrating, part of you feels guilty.

How can I not have thought about him?

You may even deliberately remember him because you’re afraid that forgetting means the relationship didn’t matter.

It did matter.

You don’t honour something by staying stuck inside it forever.

The fact that you can eventually remember someone without being emotionally pulled towards them is not proof that you never loved them.

It’s proof that you survived the ending.

One day, you will hear his name and your stomach won’t drop.

You’ll see something that reminds you of him and you’ll smile, or perhaps you’ll feel nothing at all.

You’ll remember the relationship as something that happened in your life rather than something that is still happening to you.

And that is the part people don’t always explain about moving on.

You don’t actually have to erase someone from your mind.

You simply have to give your life enough new memories that the old ones stop being the loudest.

Eventually, he becomes a person you used to know.

Not someone you’re waiting for.

Not someone you’re secretly monitoring.

Not someone you’re building imaginary conversations with at midnight.

Just someone who was part of one chapter.

And you’ll have other chapters.

You’ll fall in love with new places, new ideas, new friendships, new dreams and perhaps, eventually, another person.

But even before that happens, there will be something beautiful waiting for you.

Your own attention.

Your own peace.

Your own life.

And slowly, almost without noticing, you’ll stop asking, “How do I stop thinking about my ex?”

You’ll simply start thinking about yourself again.