How to Stop Being a Side Chick

So, you have realized you’re the side chick.

Ouch.

Maybe you found out because he slipped up. Maybe someone told you. Maybe you finally put all the little things together and realized that the relationship you’ve been trying to understand makes a lot more sense now.

Whatever happened, let’s not spend the entire day crying over a man who apparently already has a woman to go home to.

The uncomfortable part is accepting that you cannot control whether a man chooses to be faithful. You cannot force him to leave his relationship. You cannot love him into becoming honest. And you definitely cannot compete your way into becoming the main woman.

What you can control is whether you continue participating.

If you’re wondering how to stop being a side chick, it starts with making a decision that you probably should have made much earlier: you are no longer available for a relationship that requires you to be hidden.

1. Stop Accepting the Relationship for What You Hope It Will Become

This is probably the hardest part.

Because chances are, you’re not staying because you enjoy being someone’s secret. You’re staying because you believe the situation is temporary.

You tell yourself that he is going to leave her.

He says things are complicated at home.

He tells you that he loves you.

He promises that things will change.

And because you want the relationship to work, you hold on to the version of the relationship that exists in your head instead of the one that actually exists.

But you have to look at what he is doing right now.

If he has a girlfriend or wife and has been seeing you behind her back, that is the relationship you are currently participating in. Not the relationship he promised you six months from now.

Maybe he really does intend to leave. Maybe he doesn’t. But until he actually does something about it, you are dealing with the situation in front of you.

You don’t have to wait around to find out.

2. Stop Competing With the Other Woman

Please, let’s retire this idea that you just need to be better than her.

Better looking.

More understanding.

More feminine.

Better in bed.

Less demanding.

More supportive.

Whatever competition you’ve created in your head, get out of it.

You are not going to win a healthy relationship by becoming a better secret.

And honestly, the other woman may not even know there is a competition happening.

She could be sitting at home thinking she is happily married while you are somewhere wondering what she has that you don’t.

That is a terrible position to put yourself in.

The problem isn’t that she is better than you. The problem is that the man you are dealing with has chosen to create a situation where two women are being given different versions of the truth.

You don’t need to beat another woman.

You need to remove yourself from the competition entirely.

3. Tell Him Clearly What You Will and Won’t Accept

You don’t need a dramatic speech.

You don’t need to threaten him.

And you don’t need to beg him to choose you.

You can simply tell him the truth.

If he is in a relationship, you are not interested in continuing a romantic or sexual relationship with him while he is still with someone else.

That’s it.

And here’s the important part: don’t give an ultimatum you are not prepared to follow.

If you tell him, “I’m done unless you’re single,” then actually be done.

Otherwise, you are teaching him that your boundaries are just emotional speeches he can wait out.

He may suddenly become very convincing once he realizes you are serious.

He may tell you he was already planning to leave.

He may promise that he just needs a little more time.

He may even become extra affectionate because he knows you’re pulling away.

You don’t have to argue with him about any of it.

Let his actions speak.

4. Stop Taking Relationship Benefits From Someone Who Won’t Give You a Relationship

This one might hurt a little.

If you keep giving someone your time, attention, emotional support, affection and intimacy while they give you secrecy and uncertainty, why would the situation change?

He is getting something from the arrangement.

You are getting crumbs and hoping they eventually turn into a full meal.

And no, this doesn’t mean you should become cold or play games. It means you need to stop giving relationship-level access to someone who is not actually available for a relationship with you.

You don’t need to punish him.

You just need to stop participating.

There is a difference.

5. Be Honest About Why You Stayed

This is the part nobody likes talking about because it is easier to blame the man for everything.

Yes, he is responsible for his dishonesty and whatever betrayal he is committing against his partner.

But if you already know he is in a relationship and you continue seeing him, eventually you also have to look at your own choices.

Why did you stay?

Were you hoping he would choose you?

Did you enjoy the attention?

Were you afraid that leaving meant losing him completely?

Did you believe you couldn’t find someone else?

Did you convince yourself that what you had was special enough to justify the situation?

Be honest.

Not cruel. Honest.

Because if you don’t understand why you accepted the situation in the first place, you can easily end up in another version of it with someone else.

And we don’t want that.

6. Leave Before You Need Him to Choose You

This might be the biggest mindset shift of all.

You do not need him to choose you.

You can choose yourself.

And no, I don’t mean that in the cheesy Instagram quote kind of way.

I mean you can literally decide that you don’t want to be involved with a man who is unavailable.

You can decide that you don’t want to spend your weekends wondering where he is.

You can decide that you don’t want to hide your relationship.

You can decide that you don’t want to be someone’s secret.

You can decide that you would rather be single than compete for someone’s attention.

And once you’ve made that decision, his choice becomes much less important.

Because the goal isn’t to go from side chick to main chick.

The goal is to stop accepting situations where you have to fight for a place in someone’s life.

You deserve to date someone who is actually available to date you.

And if he really wants to be with you, he can become single first.

Then he can come find you.